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Every step I take, you used to lead the way. Now I’m terrified to face it on my own. You’re not there to celebrate the (wo)man you made. You’re not there to share in my success and mistake. Is it fair? You’ll never know the person I’ll be. You’re not there, with me.
Lukas Graham
missing you.
It has been almost 4 years without my Dad in my life. He wasn’t my biological father, but he was the one whom raised me and took care of me. He did not go away peacefully, he was not sick – he was in a black hole full of depression. He committed suicide after fighting his battle for I do not know how long. At the time, I had gotten in a fight with him and so I did not have a chance to say goodbye. Every “what if,” that could possibly go through my mind has been going through it for the past 4 years. I do not know how to move on from it. It feels as if this big part of my life has been a lie and I do not know how to get closure – hell, I do not think I ever will. I just want to know why… why did he leave me here all alone? I am still as confused as when I first heard the news. Every day I drive to our fishing spot and I just begin to sob uncontrollably in the car. I lose touch of who I am at the moment, and I completely lose all control. It affects me everyday and I fear it is taking it’s toll on me. I am just learning how to live through each day now, never knowing if I am going to be happy.